Well, actually, please do take that first paragraph seriously. Then again, the first paragraph says that you should not take either of these last two sentences seriously. *
Okay, the following sentence is the only one in this post that you should take seriously:
This entire post is intended as tongue-in-cheek, so do not take it seriously, except for this sentence, which you should take seriously.
In other words, everything after this sentence should not be taken seriously.
Science has now generally accepted that global warming is not a hoax. Indeed, global warming is very real.
However, liberal pundits have taken this to mean, without question, that we must combat global warming, and prevent it from advancing any further than it already has, and these propagandists, seeing things only in black and white, use this kind of absurd leap in logic, to great effect, to befuddle, the general, masses. They also like using a lot of commas.
This conspiracy exists to subvert the good old apple-pie family values of honest, right-thinking Americans such as you and me (not ‘I’). Think of the children!
Moreover, look at how this idea of “fighting” global warming conflicts with American patriotism! Tell me now, which is more important: The star-spangled symbol of this righteous nation and the freedoms it represents, or some kind of an ozone layer way up there where I can’t even see it?
No, these devious conspirators’ (not ‘conspirators’s’) true purpose is to divert our attention and resources from stopping their treacherous financial schemes!
…but this is getting off point. What was the point again? Oh yes: “Global Warming is Good For You.”
Well, first of all, warmer soil means better agriculture, which is good for such traditionally chilled regions as Minnesota, bringing greater revenue to this great American state. Second, less ice on roads will make winter driving safer, reducing health care costs in Minnesota and helping to rein in spending in Washington. And finally, a warmer all-around climate will undoubtedly encourage long-stagnant tourism to such great American states as Minnesota. If you have any problems with global warming, I suggest you move to Minnesota.
In conclusion, if you don’t act now to end this sham before it’s too late and start welcoming global warming as the short-term financial gain it represents, then blah blah blah trouble in Pine River City, Minnesota.
* Also: This statement is false.
Fun factoid: The official website for Pine River, Minnesota features the slogan: "Now totally paved!"
Holy crud. Having already written this post, I discovered that someone else had already written it. I won’t link to it directly - just Google "thomas gale moore" "global warming benefits" and it should be the first hit.
I love how ‘Google’ has become a verb.
Anyway, I was just gobsmacked by the similarity between my humorous blog post and this RESEARCH PAPER FROM A PH.D. Well, I set out to satirize this kind of thing…and I guess you could say I succeeded.
In the interest of reporting as unbiased as I can manage, here is a link to further writings of Dr. Moore, and, on the opposing side, a game based on his writings.
Much as I am trying to keep politics out of this blog, it appears they have snuck in. However, recall that this post is based on an assignment of satire, and while my satire may show one angle, recall my recursive disclaimer, and you will realize that I may indeed have written a counter-satire, in which case my true beliefs might fall on an unexpected side of the "aisle"; or, indeed, I may have intended a counter-counter-satire…
Perhaps I intended to parody the writings of those who dislike the highly educational method of imparting knowledge that they deride as "propaganda." Or, indeed, those who dislike parodies of the writings of those who dislike…
Perhaps I have no political beliefs whatsoever, and have cleverly tricked you into thinking that I do.
In any case, as I am writing this, I am sick. Maybe all of this was just the virus talking.